Ten Suggestions for Stanford Parents

Staff and faculty involved with Stanford parents and their children offer the following tips for new Stanford parents to help them help their children succeed at Stanford.

Let go.
Let them make their own decisions, solve their own problems, pick their own courses and, eventually, choose their own major. When they do choose a major, let the choice be based on intellectual passion, not perceptions of which major is safest or most pragmatic. No one ever became successful pursuing a subject they didn’t like.

Listen and reassure.
At some point in their first year, many students feel overwhelmed. They may call home, fearing their admission was a mistake. We hear this often. It wasn’t. Listen, encourage and reassure. Suggest they talk to their academic advisor, the dean of freshmen or their resident fellow. Remind them of the many support resources that exist at Stanford, such as tutoring, help with study skills and counseling.

Have hard conversations about lifestyle choices, especially alcohol use, before they come to campus.
Surveys show Stanford students drink less than the national average for college students. Nevertheless, problems like binge drinking are challenges at Stanford, too. Talk to your children in advance about the choices they are likely to confront and help them determine what they value in their own behavior and that of others.

Encourage them to get to know faculty members.
The academic program at Stanford is designed to encourage close interaction between students and faculty. From small freshman seminars to faculty nights in the dining halls, Stanford offers opportunities for students to get to know faculty. Surveys show that students who develop close relationships with faculty get more out of their Stanford education than students who do not.

Encourage them to learn for the sake of learning.
Students don’t have to choose a major until the end of their sophomore year. Stanford’s general education requirements are designed to encourage intellectual exploration. Suggest they study a subject they have never studied before. Many students are accustomed to collecting credentials needed for college admission. Encourage them, instead, to learn for the sake of learning.

Stay in touch, but perhaps not too much.
Between their busy schedules and changes in their sleeping patterns, it may be hard to reach them. Help foster their growing independence by being in touch less frequently than you are used to. And don’t be surprised if your calls and e-mails go unreturned. Our experience suggests parents remain the most important people in students’ lives.

Don’t focus on grades.
When you do talk to your kids, try not to focus on grades. Ask which faculty members they have met, which classes they enjoy, what they are learning and what they are doing for fun. Most Stanford students put plenty of pressure on themselves. What they need to know from you is that you believe in them.

Help them learn the difference between disappointment and failure.
Many Stanford students are used to being the smartest kid in their class. At some point, they will experience something they will choose to label as failure—perhaps a “C” in a course—even if it is not. Not everyone can be first in his or her class. Assure them that their best effort is all you expect.

Send them a cake on their birthday through the Parents’ Club.
See the order form on page xx. The Parents’ Club has been helping to make Stanford a home-away-from-home for more than 80 years. Birthday cakes are a nice surprise and are delivered right to dorm rooms by members of the club.

Call us if you are concerned or need reassurance yourself.
Colleges and universities are severely limited by federal law about what information about students they can share with parents. Nevertheless, if you are concerned about your first-year son or daughter or need some reassurance, contact the Freshman Dean’s Office at 650-72-FROSH.